My first pregnancy was physically challenging — I had a severe form of morning sickness called hyperemesis gravidarum — but I was lucky in that my postpartum recovery was relatively straightforward. So I was unprepared when I started developing symptoms of postpartum depression (PPD) after the birth of my second child.
My family had just moved to Philadelphia after my company downsized, and we were living with my fiancé's mom. Although I didn't realize it at the time, this new environment set the stage for my postpartum depression to develop. I felt alone and had limited resources in a new city with two babies under age 2.
It took two months for me to realize that I needed help and another four to actually get treatment. The journey shook me to my core. But today, I know PPD was just one chapter in my path to motherhood and doesn't define me.
Signs that something was wrong
No one in my inner circle had ever spoken about postpartum depression. If friends or family had experienced the condition, they kept it to themselves. I wish that I had known how common it is and that up to 15 percent of new moms develop PPD. I wish, too, that I'd understood that every woman can experience PPD differently.
What I did know about postpartum depression — that new mothers with the condition can experience severe feelings of sadness and depression — didn't seem to line up with my own symptoms. In the weeks after my second child was born, I started feeling increasingly irritable and moody, and suffered from postpartum insomnia. In my mind, though, those seemed like "regular" symptoms any tired mom of a newborn might experience.
Then the postpartum rage set in. I started picking arguments over small things, like clothes on the floor. I was up all night crying, jealous that my family was peacefully sleeping while I was awake. I felt like I was always screaming. I wasn't myself.
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I couldn't stop these fits of rage — it was almost as if I could see them happening before they started, but I didn't have the ability to prevent them. It wasn’t until I was so enraged during a minor argument and suggested I was going to call the police on my fiancé that I realized something was very wrong.
Alone and lost
I had a beautiful baby who needed me. I told myself I needed to "snap" out of whatever I was going through and commit to being the "super mom" I so badly wanted to be. I felt like I had no right to feel the way I did.
I opened up to a few family members and friends, and told them that something wasn't right. But they assured me I would be fine, and suggested I try to sleep when the baby slept and not stress. This made me feel even more alone and increasingly reluctant to tell anyone my true feelings and thoughts. I felt like no one could grasp the pain I was in.
Why wasn't I okay? This was a question I couldn't answer. I didn't understand what was causing these mood swings or why my anger would suddenly spike with little warning. Sometimes, I didn't even know why I was angry.
Since I struggled to put into words how I felt, my circle became even smaller. Realizing how lonely and isolated I had become would send me into a rage all over again.
Then, one day, a friend randomly asked me if I thought I might be experiencing postpartum depression. I listened closely as she listed some of the symptoms. Since I didn't have all of them, I questioned whether I could really have this condition.
Still, the conversation made me think, and I decided to speak to my doctor. I figured I had nothing to lose. What I did know was that I didn't like the way I felt and I needed help.
My path to healing
Sure enough, my doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and recommended I take antidepressants to manage my symptoms. I struggled with the decision to follow her advice. In my community, taking medication and admitting to mental health challenges is considered a sign of weakness.
I was on medication for three months, and during that time, I did feel a nagging sense of embarrassment. Now, I'm proud of myself for having the strength to accept that I needed help and for playing an active role in my own recovery.
My doctor also suggested talk therapy, and I quickly realized how helpful these sessions would be. Therapy made me feel supported and empowered, and I loved having someone listen to me without judgment. It was a relief not to feel alone anymore. I continued working with my therapist even after my postpartum depression symptoms improved.
My therapist also helped me realize how important self care is as a new parent. As much as I wanted to be a "super mom," I needed boundaries and balance. A happy, healthy mom was the best gift I could give my children.
I relaxed my expectations of what motherhood "should" look like and focused on carving out space every day for quiet alone time, whether I spent it catching up on sleep, exploring a new hobby, seeing friends, watching a favorite TV show or taking a long, uninterrupted shower or bath. Motherhood is stressful, and I needed to remember to do things I enjoyed that weren't necessarily connected to my children. I needed to remember that self care isn't selfish.
When I was going through it, I felt like I was the only person experiencing postpartum depression. There are so many things I want to tell other moms who are struggling with this condition.
Most importantly, know that you're not alone, and treatment can help you get to a healthier place and experience the joy of feeling like yourself again. Remember, too, that this is one chapter of your life. Postpartum depression doesn't define you as a mom. Taking care of your mental health isn't just about your baby; it's about balance, so you're equipped to navigate motherhood on your own terms.
I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with feelings of guilt about not being fully present as a mom during those six months before I got treatment for my postpartum depression. But I know that not only am I a great mom, but I'm paving the way to a healthier version of myself.
If you or someone you know is suffering from PPD, remember that you’re not alone and help is available. Check out these resources for more support and information:
- Office on Women's Health (800-994-9662)
- National Library of Medicine, Medline Plus
- Postpartum Support International (800-944-4PPD)
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (800-950-NAMI)
- What to Expect's Postpartum Depression Group
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