Truth: Sometimes parenting a small child can be both physically and emotionally draining, leaving you completely wiped out after a long day. But even when you’re at the end of your rope, the last thing you should do is give in to the impulse to spank.
Even if you were raised on the occasional swat yourself, striking your toddler is detrimental to her wellbeing.
While you might think a quick spank will make your tot sit up and take notice, the practice isn’t an effective way to discipline children. Instead, lashing out models the wrong kind of behavior and it can leave an enduring mark beyond the physical one. In fact, research shows that hitting kids can increase their risk of aggression, antisocial behavior and mental health problems later on.
Spanking is also counterproductive when it comes to bonding with your toddler. The reason? In order to thrive, kids need to feel physically safe with their parents, not frightened or threatened in any way.
To understand the gravity of this issue, it’s important to learn the dangers of spanking as well as some safe alternatives, plus when to seek help if you can’t control your anger.
The dangers of spanking your child
It’s natural to feel the urge to spank (most of us experience it once in a while). And many parents today were punished this way as children, which makes it seem like somewhat normal family behavior.
And yet, nearly all experts agree that spanking should be retired once and for all since it’s ineffective and harmful to a child's physical, psychological and social development. Here’s why:
It misses the point. By hitting your child, you’re not teaching the difference between right and wrong, just which behaviors will earn a spanking. Kids who are spanked may refrain from a behavior they know will result in that form of punishment, but they haven’t developed self-control.
Spanking is violent. Spanking is the epitome of bullying (as in, a very large, strong person hitting a smaller, weak one). And it's definitely behavior you don’t want replicated on the playground. Research shows that children who are spanked are more likely to use physical force against their peers and later on with their own children.
It hurts a child’s morale. Spanking can be humiliating and demeaning to a child, chipping away at self-esteem and morale. It can also negatively affect your child-parent relationship.
Spanking doesn’t teach. The chance to impart coping skills flies out the window when you hit. Spanking denies the chance to learn alternative ways of dealing with anger and frustration.
It causes injuries. This is especially the case when it happens in the heat of anger, as it may escalate into serious abuse. But spanking after the fact seems cruelly calculated and, in the long run, less effective in correcting behavior, since the punishment is so far removed from the offense.
Shaking can be worse. As bad as spanking a child is, shaking a child or a baby is worse (don’t believe it’s somehow safer than hitting). This extremely dangerous form of punishment can cause a baby’s death. And even though a toddler’s neck muscles are stronger than an infant’s, shaking can still cause serious injury to a toddler’s eyes and/or brain. Never, ever shake, period.
Alternatives to spanking
If stark fear takes over — for example, your toddler wanders into the street — and you lash out with a fast slap without thinking, try not to feel guilty. But do apologize right away and give a reassuring hug. Offer an explanation and talk about your concern for your child’s safety: "I’m sorry I hit you. You scared Mommy when you ran into the street. Remember: No running into the street."
Next, keep in mind that there are several alternatives to hitting your child. Take a look at the following so you have a few ideas in your back pocket the next time you feel the urge to spank:
Give a time-out. A chance to sit quietly and cool off might be just the ticket. A time-out should last one minute for each year of age. Have your tot sit in a quiet spot and set the timer. If she leaves, send her back but ignore any tantruming that occurs.
Present choices. Rather than say no over and over, which can raise the temperature of an argument, give your little one a choice. For example, "Red shirt or blue one?" cedes control back to your child, which may help change her behavior in that moment.
Take a breather. Can’t take another minute? Leave your tot in a safe space and go into another room. Close your eyes, count to 10, do some yoga poses — or anything else that’ll help you calm down and redirect your own anger away from striking your child.
Praise the good. A little psychology 101: Try positive reinforcement. This means encouraging the behavior you want with praise or a reward. On a regular basis, try to catch your tot doing the right thing, like picking up her toys or heading to bed without whining.
Call in backup. There’s no shame in asking for help. If you’re at your wit’s end and worry you’ll lose it, ask your partner or a friend to spot you for a little while so you can regroup. And promise to do the same for that person if he or she is in a similar situation.
When to seek help
Self-control isn’t easy to come by for everyone. If your urge to spank seems overwhelming, it may be time for professional help. You (or your partner) should also get help right away if hitting is habitual, is aimed at the face, ears or head, or is hard enough to leave a mark or bruise. Hitting is also dangerous if an object is used to strike or you spank while intoxicated or taking drugs.
Talk to a therapist or your child’s doctor, or call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-422-4453). Lashing out physically at a child in anger is a danger sign. Though you may not have intentionally hurt your child yet, the potential for physical or emotional damage is there. Before angry outbursts lead to something more serious, act now. The same goes if your partner shows violent tendencies.
And even if you'd never dream of spanking or slapping a child, don't assume your child's caregivers feel the same way. Sitters, relatives and teachers should be instructed never to administer any form of physical punishment. If you ever suspect your child was hit, act immediately to remedy the situation.
Wanting to spank isn’t uncommon, especially when you’re pushed to your parenting limit, but understanding the danger of this form of punishment is critical. Work to relieve your own stress and anger with alternatives to spanking and you’ll be well on your way to successful discipline at your house.
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