With their delicious hugs and big sloppy kisses, not to mention the way they melt into your embrace when they’re tired or shy, toddlers are delightful little people — until they’re not. Case in point: your sweet angel, who’s playing quietly one minute and suddenly, without warning, lays into you with a punch to your arm … or tummy … or thigh. Yup — toddlers throw tantrums and hit. They kick, shove, hold their breath and even bite.
This tends to happen without a full understanding that their behavior hurts others — and without displaying the slightest remorse. Learn about aggressive behavior in toddlers as well as smart ways to handle it, even on a playdate.
What causes aggressive behavior in toddlers?
Wondering what’s triggering these less-than-lovely actions? Chalk them up to a limited vocabulary, excess energy reserves and sometimes plain ol' hunger and fatigue. Even kids from the most easygoing homes may lash out with feet, fists or teeth — and when they’re overwhelmed with frustration or fury, they skip over "using their words" in favor of their bodies (watch out!).
A toddler may not have a lot to say, but she’s got very strong opinions, and if her words fail to get the message across, she’ll quickly turn to a more primitive means of communication. What’s more, some toddlers don’t even need the motivation of anger — for attention-seeking (or high-energy) tots, the sheer excitement that comes with being aggressive may be all that’s needed to get physical.
Being overtired and peckish can bring out a toddler’s worst, too. Lastly, toddlers are naturally egocentric, lacking empathy, impulse control and social skills. To them, there's not much difference between smacking a toy and smacking a friend and they consider every object in sight to be "theirs."
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Strategies to handle aggressive behavior in your toddler
Try your best to remain calm — and then consider these tips when facing toddler aggression:
- Keep your cool. Difficult though it may be, strive to not freak out. If your reaction is outsized and dramatic, you can bet she’ll file away "punching" as a surefire strategy to get lots of attention next time.
- Make it short and sweet. For a toddler who is acting aggressively, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends against spanking, reprimanding harshly or yelling. The best reaction is a minimal one. Just say, "We don’t hit. Hitting hurts people." Then either redirect your toddler’s attention or swiftly remove her from the scene. At this young age, she probably won’t understand a punishment like a time-out, but you can be sure that a simple, calm response will get much better results than a red-hot one.
- Repeat the rules. Be prepared to reiterate the hitting rule (or kicking rule or biting rule …) each and every time your child does it. It’ll take a while before the lesson sinks in. Remember that it’s absolutely normal for toddlers to hit, kick and bite, but it’s also necessary for parents to calmly and consistently teach them that it’s not okay.
- Discourage aggressive play. Watch out for ways that violence can sneak into your child’s play. Once your toddler starts to make her doll hit other dolls, she’s one step away from acting out the deed in real life. Simply intervene when you see your child playing in a violent way, and say, "It’s not nice to make Dora hit Elmo."
- Limit exposure to violence. You’re probably well aware that letting children play with violent toys or watch similar shows (now or in the future) can lead them to believe that violence is okay. Try to avoid access to toy weapons, the local news on TV or her older sib’s inappropriate video games. The AAP also recommends that bedrooms be media-free zones without TVs, computers or smartphones, and limiting screen time (to just video chatting until 18 months; limited doses of high-quality programming between 18 and 24 months; and no more than one hour a day of high-quality programming between ages 2 and 5).
- Know your toddler’s triggers. Tired, hungry, overstimulated and stressed out — all of these can cause a toddler to react badly. Pay attention to these cues so you can anticipate aggressive behavior. Try to avoid those scenarios, or be ready to hold your child’s hand (literally and emotionally) when those instances come up.
- Offer a physical release. Help your toddler channel the anger, energy or frustration that spurs her to lash out by encouraging her to participate in an acceptable mode of release. Give her a safe physical outlet. For instance, tell her, "We only hit the beanbag," or "We only kick the soccer ball — outside," or "Let’s roar like a lion instead of screaming."
- Give it time. Just because your toddler lashes out physically does not mean she’s destined to grow into a bully. With maturity will come empathy, and soon your child will understand that aggressive behavior can hurt other people.
- Model good behavior. If you start ranting and raving and flying off the handle every time you get upset, your toddler will get the message that it’s normal to overreact when she’s upset, too. Toddlers love to mimic their caregivers, so make sure that you model self-control.
How to handle aggression in toddler playgroups
Playdate drama does happen, which means the occasional shove, bite or smack can occur when your tot is on the playground or in a group setting. Unfortunately, toddlers also have a knack for imitation, so don't be surprised if your child ends up mimicking the aggressive habits of the kids in her playgroup.
To stave off this behavior, lay down the ground rules and be consistent. If your child sees another toddler hitting or kicking someone at the playgroup, say, "We do not hit. Hitting hurts." Always validate your toddler's feelings when she is upset ("I understand that you're feeling angry, but you can't hit"), and encourage words, not fists. And always heap on praise for good behavior ("Nice job sharing!").
Most importantly, make sure your little one's playgroup sessions are carefully supervised. If your child does get involved in a toddler tiff, try not to jump in immediately (kids need to learn how social relationships work and require practice at settling disputes) but do take charge if things get physical.
If another child takes a swing at your child, or if your child is the aggressor, first take care to soothe the victim (don't take sides!). Then calmly but firmly explain that hitting and kicking will not be allowed and that the play session will stop if the hitting continues. And, finally, distract both children with a fun activity.
When should you worry about aggression in your toddler?
Most children learn not to hit and carry on in an aggressive manner as they age, but if you’re concerned about your child’s behavior, watch for these signs and then contact the pediatrician:
- Aggressive conduct that lasts longer than a few weeks
- Difficulty coping with your child or handling her when it happens
- Injury to herself, you, siblings or playmates, such as bite marks and bruises
- Physical attacks toward you or other adults
- Removal from preschool, playgroups or neighborhood settings
- Fear for the safety of others around your child
- Frequent outbursts over the course of weeks
Don’t worry — aggressive behavior in toddlers can be improved, but it takes immense patience on your part and consistent boundaries right from the start. Hang in there and be sure to take breaks from child-care duty when you need them. Ask for help from your partner, relative or a friend so you can return to your toddler refreshed and ready to go.
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