Many toddlers want things done their way and on their timetable. It's cute (for about five minutes) but then bossiness can become a major turn-off (for you — and for any playmates). Here's how to curb the seemingly endless stream of demands coming from your cutie.
Why are toddlers bossy?
Bossy behavior is very common among 2- and 3-year-olds. That's because at this age, toddlers love to flex their independence (and unsolicited leadership skills).[1]
But at age 2 your toddler can only view the world through her own needs, which means that everyone else wants exactly what she wants … right? Is it bossy behavior if she's just guiding you to what will make the universe (aka her) happy?
A bossy child could also be trying to establish agency in a world where grown-ups seem to have all the power. (Mom might make me wear shoes — but I'm in charge of which pair!) And of course, some children may be born with naturally dominant personalities, which can come off as bossiness.
Fortunately, most little dictators outgrow this phase after age 3 as they become more aware of others' feelings and begin to understand that different people have different wants and needs.[2] They'll also start picking up on the fact that other kids really don't dig being told what to do.
In the meantime, there are many ways to help temper those imperious impulses without discouraging your toddler's innate desire to lead.
How to handle toddler bossiness
As your tot wises up on her social skills, here's what you can do to guide her toward a less demanding demeanor.
Deescalate
Being bossed around by a 3-year-old can be frustrating, but don't go to war with your toddler. A bossy 3-year-old definitely isn't developmentally capable of plotting out a power struggle.
More on Toddler Behavior and Development
Of course, toddlers need to learn the limits of appropriate and safe behavior, but the emphasis should be on learning, not establishing who's king of the mountain.
Give back some control
Sometimes bossiness is just a symptom of feeling out of control. Toddlers aren't at the helm of many of the decisions in their lives. But offering your child choices ("Do you want to wear the pink skirt or purple one?") can make her feel empowered.
Boost self-esteem
Ask for help with simple chores like putting laundry in the hamper or tearing lettuce for a salad, and offer lots of praise when the task is complete. That way, your child feels important without having to order someone else around.
This is also a great way to shower attention on your young one while teaching her how to be a good citizen of the house. Sometimes bossy behavior is really just a demand for attention.
Reinforce social skills
Make "please" a part of your child's vocabulary and teach her how to share and take turns. The playground, a communal box of crayons and sibling time are all perfect laboratories for learning social skills.
Encourage empathy for others ("How would you feel if Susie grabbed your doll?") when age appropriate. A child under 3 can't yet understand that line of thinking.[3]
Lead by example
Though it may seem like your toddler can magically turn off her ears whenever you give her instructions, she is actually paying very close attention to your behavior. You might even catch her passing on your seemingly unheard instructions with the exact tone and mannerisms to the family pets.
Model the behavior you want to see and treat your toddler the way you'd like to be treated.
Set boundaries
One of the many ironies of toddlerhood: Toddlers crave routine and structure then seem to do everything possible to disrupt those two things.[4]
Don't be a doormat. Part of what toddlers are learning each day is how to make reasonable requests. When your child's demands or tone of voice are out of bounds, calmly say so and do not oblige.
Give a time out (or a time-in)
It's important to give your child an opportunity to fix her behavior before giving her a time-out. But sometimes, the only way to stop bossy behavior in its tracks is to remove your child from the situation.
A time-out, when used appropriately, can help your toddler reset. Generally, it should last about one minute for each year of life (e.g., three minutes for a 3-year-old).
You can also try a modified version called a time-in. A time-in is a brief, close, positive interaction with a parent or caregiver. Time-ins — going with your child to a quiet spot — can allow a child to cool off with you, so you can talk about what happened and how it could be done better the next time.
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