When you first welcomed your little one into the world, your doctor likely announced the news: “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” But the sex that’s assigned to your child at birth isn’t necessarily the gender identity they will have as they get older. Read on for more about how gender identity develops in the first few years of a child’s life.
How does gender identity develop in children?
Children begin to notice the construct of gender and absorb the gender role behaviors that society expects from boys and girls at a very young age. And while some children are cisgender, meaning their gender identity aligns with the sex they’ve been assigned at birth, other kids can be transgender and have a gender identity that differs from the sex they’ve been assigned.
Research shows that gender identity is something we’re born with. But a child’s awareness of their gender identity usually progresses in stages, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP):[1]
- Age 2: Children start noticing the physical differences between boys and girls.
- Age 3: Children can usually call themselves a boy or girl.
- Age 4: Children tend to have a good sense of their gender identity.
In these early years, children may also start to absorb some of society’s narrow views on gender behavior. For example, they may comment that there are certain “girl toys” or “boy toys,” that certain colors or types of clothing are only for boys versus girls, or that girls and boys may play different games or role-play different people.
Even at this young age, children mimic what they see in the world around them. But parents can help support their child’s gender identity journey by modeling gender flexibility and reminding kids that all colors, toys, clothing and activities are for all genders.
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What’s the difference between gender and sex?
The terms gender, sex and gender identity are often used interchangeably, but they have very different meanings. For parents, it can be helpful to keep the following definitions in mind when discussing gender identity with kids:[2]
- Sex: A child’s sex (male or female) is assigned at birth based on physical characteristics like chromosomes and genitalia. Assigned sex may correspond to a person's gender identity, but other times it doesn’t.
- Gender: This term is more complex, and encompasses gender expression and how society expects different genders to act.
- Gender identity: This is a person’s sense of self, or how they feel on the inside. You can have a gender identity that’s male, female, something in between, or a combination of both, while some people don’t identify with any gender at all.
- Transgender: This term is used to refer to someone whose gender identity doesn’t correspond with the one they’ve been assigned at birth.[3]
How parents can support their children
One of the best ways parents can help their child explore different gender roles is through play. Offer your little one plenty of different toys that are non-stereotypical, as well as opportunities for play, including:[4]
- Books with characters in diverse roles, like female firefighters and stay-at-home dads
- Toys that span a wide range of interests, like dolls, trains, blocks and crayons
- Sports like soccer and tee-ball, and activities like music and art lessons
- Playdates with other children, including boys and girls
Outside of play, try to model gender-neutrality and avoid reinforcing stereotypical gender roles at home, such as by:[5]
- Assigning your child a range of household chores (doing dishes, taking out the garbage, folding the laundry)
- Use gender-neutral language to describe different occupations (like “police officer” instead of “policeman”)
- Give boys and girls the same types of compliments
- Use inclusive language, like “humanity” instead of “mankind”
- Decorate your child’s room in non-stereotypical colors (think beyond blue for boys and pink for girls)
In addition, parents can support their child’s curiosity about gender by being a safe space to discuss gender roles and answer questions kids have.
How do children express their gender identity?
Beyond the types of toys they choose or games they play, children typically express their identity in other ways as well, including through:
- Clothing
- Hairstyle
- Preferred name or nickname
- Social behavior, including how they interact with others
- Preferred friends
It can sometimes feel confusing to know how to best support your child’s gender identity journey, especially if they say they identify as gender-diverse or transgender.
But the most important thing parents can do is simply make sure your child feels unconditionally loved and accepted for exactly who they are. Remember that there’s nothing anyone can do to change your child’s internal sense of self — research and leading experts, including the AAP, note that gender identity is something a person is born with.[6]
By being available to talk or answer any gender-related questions kids have, encouraging your child’s interests and skills, providing plenty of opportunities for play and exploration, and supporting big feelings about gender, you’ll help your little one discover who they’re meant to be in life — and there’s no greater reward for a parent than that.
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