Toddlers aren’t known for their sharing, caring ways. To be honest, most 1- and 2-year-olds are pretty egotistical. And while it’s perfectly normal, you might be wondering how your “me-me-me” tot is ever going to grow up to be a kind, empathetic person. 

Well, worry no more. At its core, empathy is understanding what someone else might be feeling or thinking and then responding in a caring way. The bottom line: Caring and empathy are skills that you can teach and practice as your child grows. 

Of course, empathy is a tough concept to put into practice (even for grown-ups!). And toddlers are still struggling to make sense of their feelings, let alone anyone else’s. But it’s still an important lesson to teach.

Empathy will help your child make friends and play nicely with others. It’s the foundation of compassion and kindness. Read on for how to teach empathy to kids.

When do kids develop empathy?

Empathy is a skill with a lot of building blocks. The first: Your cutie has to be aware that she’s an independent little being. Then she must realize that others have their own thoughts and feelings — and that they’re different from hers.

And then she has to figure out what to do with this info. Will she share her snack if someone else is hungry? Or hold her friend's hand if he's scared?

Here are some of the bigger milestones on the road to empathy:

Babies

Toddlers

  • 18 months: Your toddler is beginning to recognize feelings now — her own and other people’s. She may even give you a hug if she sees that you’re sad.

  • 24 months: Starts imitating you and others (by talking on the “phone,” putting her stuffies to bed) and playing pretend. It means she’s able to imagine herself in different situations — and put herself in someone else’s shoes (literally too!).

Preschoolers

  • 2 to 4 years old: Kids are getting better at managing their feelings, learning to share, and taking turns. What does that have to do with empathy? To play with others, they have to be more cooperative and share someone else’s POV.

Just remember, your child's social and emotional development isn’t a straight line. Sometimes your toddler will be generous with her hugs and her caring behavior. Other times, not so much.

Can you teach children empathy?

Yes, you can definitely teach children empathy, though you need to manage your expectations about when they'll be developmentally ready to become fully empathetic (i.e. often not until the high school or college years). 

Getting your little ones to think about others' feelings doesn’t require any complex lesson plans. During toddlerhood, the best way to teach empathy is to model it with your own actions.

Here’s how empathy for kids can develop naturally with a few nudges and cues from you:[3] 

Be empathetic yourself

Just as your tot clomps around in your shoes, put yourself in hers when she’s frustrated, scared or sad — even when it’s tough to see the tragedy behind a broken cracker.

Say, “I know you’re mad because we have to go now. It’s hard to stop and say goodbye when you’re having fun.”

And definitely let your toddler see you doing kind things for others. “The lady next door has such a bad cold. Let’s take her some soup to make her feel better.”

Talk about feelings

Yours, your toddler’s, and everyone else’s. Point out the sad boy in the playground and wonder aloud why the boy is crying. Name your tot’s frustration and problem-solve together on ways she can feel less angry.

Conversations like those help your little one recognize and name her emotions. The more she can label her feelings, the better able she’ll be to spot them in other people.

Read stories

Reading books is a great way to learn about emotions — and see how different characters handle a range of experiences (meeting a new teacher, say, or expecting a baby sibling) and act in kind ways.

When your toddler has more words, have her share stories about her toys. What are they thinking when they go to the backyard? Are they excited to get outside? 

Play pretend games

Dress-up or cooking in the play kitchen can get your child’s imagination going. That’s a good foundation for thinking about how others may feel. Or use your tot’s stuffed animals to ask her how Doggie might feel about going to the doctor’s or eating something yucky for dinner. 

Play with others

You might be tempted to wait until your child is older to play with others. Don’t. Your child will learn how to be a good friend through lots of practice.

If she grabs the chalk from her friend, say, “Emily is sad because you took the chalk away. Can you give it back?” Or if a friend falls and skins her knee, brainstorm how your child can help her pal feel better.

How not to teach empathy to kids 

It’s natural to want your child to apologize after she’s made another child cry. But forcing your child to say sorry before she’s ready isn’t a great way to teach empathy to your toddler (or older kids either).

A better way: Show your little one how her actions make her playmates feel. “Emma is sad because you pushed her out of the way when you were running. She’s crying. Let’s see if she’s okay and what we can do to help her feel better.”   

It will take a long time for your toddler to learn these lessons. But that’s okay. Praise the baby steps when she is kind and caring, and she’ll get the message. After all, empathy is a lifelong skill and we’re always learning how to be better at it.