Whether the prospect of giving birth leaves you ecstatic, terrified or just eager to create your “active labor” Spotify playlist, there’s a lot to plan for. While you may have picked out a car seat and a going-home outfit for baby, there’s another choice you need to make before the big day: who to have in the delivery room with you.
It’s a big decision that will require some thought, resolve and tact. Here are a few tips to help you decide:
Choose your delivery support team carefully
Perhaps you’ll want only your partner in the room for what promises to be an intense and intimate few hours — and that’s perfectly okay. Or maybe you like the idea of strength in numbers and will choose to have your mother or a close friend or relative along for the ride, too.
Whoever you invite should be an utterly reliable, supportive type, a tireless cheerleader and someone who won't get too squeamish around blood and other unpleasant bodily fluids or functions that might crop up during labor.
You will need Team Delivery to hold your hand, mop your brow and distract you when the anesthesiologist tells you he wants to wait until you’ve dilated one more centimeter before giving you the epidural. Your friend who gets light-headed at even the thought of needles might be more help from home.
Be nice but firm when turning someone down
There might be someone in your circle (your mom, perhaps?) who has announced that she’s dying to be there for the birth of her daughter/niece/BFF’s first child while you are simultaneously dying at the thought of her being there. Deep breaths. This person most likely has good intentions and is just over-the-moon thrilled by the impending birth.
But if you don’t feel comfortable with her being there while you're having your baby, it’s fine to just say no. Remember that it's your labor and you're entitled to establish whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with.
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Doing so gracefully, however, will go a long way towards maintaining the relationship. Amy Alkon, a nationally syndicated advice columnist known as the Advice Goddess based in Santa Monica, CA, suggests you respond by saying something like, “I love you so much and want to include you in the baby’s life to the nth degree, but giving birth is stressful for everyone, so I’d prefer it if you weren’t in the delivery room. We hope you understand.”
If the conversation is tense or you sense feelings may be hurt, follow up with a note: “Thank you for understanding our decision to keep the baby’s birth private. We can’t wait until the next day when she meets her amazing grandma!”
Keep the guest list small (and know your hospital's limits)
Don’t get carried away when sending out invitations. Many hospitals and birthing centers limit the number of guests to two or three (though some may allow more to observe the labor as opposed to the actual delivery). That’s because the doctor and nurses have a job to do. A throng of people crowded around the table makes that more difficult for them, and may make the experience more difficult for you, too.
The last thing you need is an argument erupting over who gets you more ice chips to suck on or whether you need another pillow. Bottom line: Your baby’s safety comes first and your sanity is a close second. Delivery-as-dinner-party shouldn't even be on the list.
Have a plan B
One of life’s biggest moments can also be one of its most unpredictable, and that means it’s possible that the person you’ve chosen to be there for the birth of your child can’t make it.
Say you go into labor early while your partner is out of town on business, or your mom breaks her leg the day she planned to fly in. Especially if you’ve elected to have only one person in the room with you, ask someone else to be your backup and make sure they're on call.
Alert them to the obvious (your due date, the hospital information and so on) as well as the details of your birth plan (make sure they has a copy ahead of time), and any issues or complications (does your OB think you might go into early labor, for instance?).
Have a plan C in case of C-section
Bear in mind that if you have a planned or emergency C-section or — though it’s unlikely — a medical emergency, no one but the medical team and your partner, most likely, will be there for the big reveal. Those who had wanted to celebrate the moment of birth will have to wait until you and the baby are up for it.
Designate someone who can be the point person (preferably not your partner, who may be overwhelmed), sending out news and updates as they happen and organizing a postponed meet-and-greet for close friends and relatives when it’s appropriate.
Consider hiring a doula
Think about hiring an outsider to be with you in the delivery room in addition to someone close to you. A doula is not a medical professional but is trained to support you emotionally and physically throughout your labor and delivery, helping you through contractions, explaining each step of the process, communicating with doctors and nurses, and otherwise offering the kind of continuous one-on-one support your family and friends might not be able to provide.
Studies have shown that this kind of help is associated with a variety of benefits, such as less pain medication, somewhat shorter labors and a lower likelihood of C-sections. Just know that most insurance plans don’t cover a doula’s fees. And be sure to speak to your doctor first if you plan on hiring a doula.
Alert your doctor about your birth plan
If you have a birth plan, you’ll spell out your preferences in writing ahead of time and go over it with your practitioner. But either way, you should tell your doctor exactly who you’d like there with you and get their sign-off.
The fewer surprises on your delivery day (for you and your doctor), the better. Once friends, family and your OB are all on board with who will witness the birth of your child, you can cross one more thing off your list. And concentrate on that Spotify playlist.
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