Everyone tells you that pregnancy is supposed to be the most wonderful time ever! As a result, there's this unspoken expectation that you should embrace every pregnancy event — including your baby shower. In reality, though, some women find their baby shower to be a source of anxiety.
If you feel more ugh than joy at the thought of having a baby shower, you should know that your feelings are valid. After all, pregnancy is a time of major transition and change, and preparing for a baby can be stressful. Moms-to-be often feel like they have to enjoy every moment of pregnancy, but you might not always feel that way, especially when planning a big event.
Sound like you? Here’s how to navigate some of the common feelings that may surface while getting ready for your baby shower — and how you can work through them in a constructive way.
Anxiety trigger #1: You hate being the center of attention
While some women approach their baby shower with excitement — they genuinely like to be celebrated — not everyone is comfortable with all eyes on them. It's okay if you don't feel quite at home in the spotlight.
Although the host of a baby shower is often a family member or friend (and not the mom-to-be herself), you are front and center all the same, introducing guests and opening gifts in front of the crowd. The idea of not being enough (thankful, grateful, enthusiastic) may also be making you clam up.
How to deal
If you shy away from large parties, consider suggesting a more intimate gathering, such as brunch with a few of your closest friends. Making the event more intimate and purposeful may feel better to you — and that's ultimately what matters. Or, if much of your stress has to do with opening gifts in front of a group, make the request to the host that you'd like to open them after the party.
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Anxiety trigger #2: You're not sure if you even want a baby shower
You do know one thing: Your mom/MIL/sister/best friend really wants you to have a baby shower. But you're so not into playing the "candy bar poopy diaper game" or having a ton of people touch your belly. And you just don't feel like it's your thing, even though everyone tells you that you'd regret skipping the shower.
How to deal
A baby shower is intended to celebrate and honor your transition to motherhood, and ideally it shouldn't cause you stress. If just the idea of a shower is making you feel anxious, then you get to decide if you'd rather not have one at all.
That said, you might also prefer a non-traditional shower. You definitely don’t have to play games or have a theme, and a baby shower also doesn't have to be just women. For example, you could have a coed shower with your partner and all of your friends together.
You might even feel more comfortable having a virtual baby shower, as these online events can be shorter and require you to be a little less front and center.
Anxiety trigger #3: Family drama is causing you stress
Every family has their thing, right? If yours really leans into the drama — your sisters constantly fight, your mom and stepmom can't be in the same room — then you might feel understandably nervous about getting everyone together.
How to deal
Step back and take the long view. Tell yourself that the event is two or three hours long, and it will end. Giving yourself this perspective might help you downgrade the weight of the shower. If things are feeling stressful in the run up to the day, give yourself a pep talk: "The shower is important to me, but it's also difficult. I can handle it. It'll be over at 4 p.m."
Anxiety trigger #4: You're worried you don’t know anything about babies
As your baby shower gets closer, you’re watching things get checked off your registry left and right and suddenly you think: I have no idea how to use the NoseFrida! What do I do with all these baby carriers? What is swaddling, anyway?
If you can relate, you're not alone. What to Expect member Walterfamily814 had a lovely adventure-themed shower, but then was hit with a dose of reality while she was opening her gifts: "I start realizing I know NOTHING about babies … I went home and sat on the floor in the nursery, reading the Tommy Tippy Starter Pack of Bottles box and I just started crying!”
Sound familiar? Remind yourself that you're not supposed to come into pregnancy or motherhood automatically knowing everything about being a mom and how to care for a baby. Realizing that you don't can be completely overwhelming — and the shower and all the gifts (cute as they may be) can exacerbate that feeling.
How to deal
This is not a call to attend more newborn classes. Those help, but truly, you may never feel fully prepared for parenthood, and it can be helpful to know from the start that you're not expected to have all the answers or know how to do it all.
After all, motherhood is new! Reassure yourself that as you get to know your baby and what she needs, the skills are learned and practiced and improve with time.
Anxiety trigger #5: Your MIL/mom is steamrolling you during planning
You want to hold the baby shower at a friend's house, while your MIL wants to rent out a banquet space and invite all of her second cousins and coworkers. This isn't how you envisioned the event, and now you're upset because the shower is not going to be about you at all. You worry, though, that if you try to bring this up, you’ll hurt her feelings.
How to deal
If you have an ally who you trust to step in and gently nudge the situation from spiraling (maybe your sister can talk your mom out of her big plans, for example), then that may help.
Another tactic is to take matters into your own hands. For example, if you prefer, there's nothing wrong with planning your own baby shower, since having control over the guest list, food and games (if you have any at all), might lessen your anxiety. If you go that route, don't think it has to be Pinterest-perfect; your family and friends just want to shower you and babe with love.
You can also suggest a grandma shower: a separate party for just your mom or MIL that celebrates her promotion to grandparent (with your attendance optional). Giving her the opportunity to celebrate in her own way may help her get on board with planning your shower the way you want.
The bottom line
So many women get excited at the thought of opening packages of little booties and sipping lemonade, but baby showers are not for everyone — and that's okay. If you don't want a baby shower, there are other ways to celebrate your new arrival.
It's very normal to feel anxious and worried at times when you're expecting, but be on the lookout for signs of more serious anxiety during pregnancy: If your anxiety starts to feel all-consuming, prevents you from concentrating, causes you to have trouble functioning, makes you extremely panicky or causes physical symptoms (like a rapid heartbeat or shortness of breath), reach out to your practitioner right away.
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