It's essential for every parent to talk to their children about race and racism, but these conversations will look a little different — and can feel more complicated — if you're raising adopted children of a different race.
It's understandable if you're not exactly sure how to address race with your transracially adopted child, but this isn't a topic you should shy away from. Having open and honest conversations about race from a young age can equip your child for the future as well as help her foster coping skills to deal with discrimination she might experience.
Read on for the steps experts recommend adoptive parents take to make sure their transracially adopted children feel celebrated and supported by their family.
Talk about race early and often
Parents should take the lead in conversations about race, experts say. Don’t wait for your child to bring it up.
“Parents of younger children should approach the topic of race with a consistent and open dialogue," Magalie Knopf, B.S.W, a social worker based in British Columbia, Canada who works with Indigenous children and families in the child welfare system. "A one-time discussion about race is never enough, and as kids get older, you should encourage your child to come to you if they have negative or confusing experiences."
If parents avoid having conversations about race, their children may come to believe that part of their identity makes their parents uncomfortable — and adoptees should never feel like they have to protect their parents from racism.
In her work, Knopf says she notices a correlation between a loss of culture with feelings of not belonging, failure to understand one's self, lack of self esteem, anger and poor mental health.
"Many will blame their adoptive parents or themselves for the lack of understanding, especially if they have a negative racial experience," she adds. "They might ask, ‘Why was I never prepared for that?’”
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Avoid using the term "color blind"
Studies show that children are aware of race from as early as infancy, and using terms like “color blind” or insisting that you don’t see race can be harmful to your child’s self esteem.
“When you do not see your child’s race, you do not see part of who they are," says T. Mayberry, M.S.W., a social worker in Ontario, Canada who works in youth services and child welfare.
"Race is a significant factor that shapes our everyday lived experiences. Part of understanding and learning about your child’s identity involves understanding how race shapes their experience.”
Make sure they feel like a part of their community
As adoptive parents, you have a responsibility to connect your child with her culture and greater community. For example, that might mean participating in community programs, celebrating different holidays or making certain meals.
“Adoptive parents don’t replace an adoptee’s background; they add to it," says Mayberry. "By embracing their child’s identity, they are providing them with a space to feel celebrated, validated and accepted for who they are completely.”
Invest in age-appropriate resources
In addition to having open and honest discussions about race, it can help for parents to have age-appropriate resources ready, such as books, movies or other media that reflect their child’s race. Connecting children with a same-race mentor or moving to a more ethno-racially diverse neighborhood or school district can also help, experts say.
When selecting books, keep your child's age in mind.
“Around age 4, children might ask questions such as ‘Why is her skin darker than mine?’" says Mayberry. "Look for books that reflect this age group and illustrate that people come in all different colors, shapes and sizes. This gives the message that people may look different on the outside but they are the same on the inside."
By ages 7 or 8, children are more likely to be exposed to news about racial injustices on social media and in interactions with other students, Mayberry says. "By that age, children may be ready for books that explore real-life examples of racial injustice such as an illustrated book about Harriet Tubman.”
Be an ally
Every parent’s job is to protect and advocate for their child, but as adopted children get older, they also need their parents to be allies.
According to Mayberry, there are a few steps adoptive parents should take to make sure they're supporting their children:
- Listen and acknowledge your adopted child's experience.
- Create a non-judgemental space where your child can feel listened to without criticism.
- Avoid centering yourself or your feelings when your child gets angry about how white privilege and racial biases disadvantage people of color.
- If your child mentions a time when you were racially biased, take ownership and promise to learn and do better in the future.
- Take responsibility and accountability for missed opportunities when you could have talked to your child earlier about the impact of race and racism in their life.
- Avoid "racial gaslighting" to discredit, devalue or question your child's experiences with racism. Examples of racial gaslighting include comments like "Are you sure this is about race?" or "Just to play devil’s advocate, what if he did have a gun?"
- Don’t expect adoptees to educate you about racism, as this puts the emotional burden on them.
Knopf adds that parents should also ensure they're advocating for their child around extended family and friends, such as by gathering resources to educate family about adoption and race, and confronting family members who post inappropriate messages on social media.
"Adoption should not be done in isolation," she says.
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