Domestic violence — also known as domestic abuse or intimate partner violence — can happen to anybody. It doesn't matter your gender or age, where you live, how much money you earn, how old you are or your sexual orientation. And it's more common than you might think among pregnant women.
If you feel as though domestic violence is happening to you, it's crucial to know that you are not alone. Other women are going through this, and there are resources available to help you.
Advocates will listen to you, they will believe you and they will help keep you and your baby safe during a time as vulnerable as pregnancy.
And if you ever feel your life is in danger, call 911 immediately. Curl up in a ball in a corner to make yourself a small target and to protect your belly.
What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior by a current or former spouse or intimate partner that's used to exert power and control over another person — and it's against the law.
Domestic violence against pregnant women can often be physical. But it can take other forms too, and it’s important to recognize what counts as abuse. Domestic violence during a pregnancy can include:
- Physical violence: Slapping, punching, kicking, burning, biting, the use of weapons including knives or guns, or striking your belly in an effort to harm or end the pregnancy
- Physical abuse: Forcing you to smoke, drink alcohol or use drugs
- Withholding medical care: Keeping you from going to prenatal appointments or leaving you without pregnancy-related medical care (including withholding medication or prenatal vitamins)
- Sexual violence: Forcing you to have sex or engage in a sexual act you don't want to participate in
- Psychological abuse: Trying to control what you can or cannot do, stalking, threats, making you feel diminished or embarrassed, forced isolation from family and friends, blocking your access to a safe person with whom you can discuss abusive behavior (insisting on attending prenatal checkups and concealing abuse by answering questions for you, or threatening you if you disclose details of your abusive situation, for example), forbidding you from attending celebrations related to the pregnancy like baby showers
- Emotional abuse: Putting you down, humiliation, name-calling (e.g. calling you fat because of your changing body), continual criticism (like saying you won't be a good parent)
- Reproductive coercion: Threats or violence related to a decision to continue or end a pregnancy, or forcing you to have an abortion
- Financial abuse: Withholding money for basic needs, not letting you spend money on baby essentials, keeping you from attending work, closely monitoring your spending or stealing money from you
How common is domestic violence in pregnancy?
Roughly 324,000 pregnant women — or about 8 percent — experience abuse in the United States each year, research has found. And experts estimate that these numbers may be underreported.
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What can trigger domestic violence and abuse during pregnancy?
Intimate partner violence may begin or intensify during pregnancy, when having a baby triggers unexpectedly negative emotions in a woman's partner.
A partner might feel overwhelmed by the responsibilities of a baby, especially if the pregnancy was unplanned. He or she might also be experiencing intense stress over money and the long-term financial responsibilities of raising a child.
Sometimes partners even become angry or jealous if a mom-to-be is focusing less on their relationship and more on the baby.
In some cases, unfortunately, those emotions play out against the mother and her unborn child But remember, even if a partner is unhappy, domestic violence or abuse is never the victim’s (or the baby’s) fault.
How is domestic violence during pregnancy different from normal arguments?
There’s a big difference — though if you’ve been suffering from abuse for a long time, it can be hard to tell. It’s normal for couples to fight sometimes and even for the arguments to get intense or heated.
What’s not normal or okay is when your partner starts exhibiting violent or abusive behavior or making threats to hurt you. Hitting, kicking, throwing objects or forcing you to engage in sexual acts all count as abuse — even if the abuser apologizes afterwards and promises not to do it again.
Putting you down, trying to keep you from contacting your friends or family, or telling you that the abuse is your fault isn’t normal arguing either.
How does abuse affect your pregnancy?
In what should be a joyful time in your life, domestic violence can have serious effects, causing both physical injuries and psychological harm. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) notes that intimate partner violence can contribute to gynecologic disorders and sexually transmitted diseases including HIV.
Abuse can affect your unborn baby too. Potential pregnancy complications include preterm delivery, low birth weight, placental abruption, uterine rupture, hemorrhaging, fetal injuries, and, in the very worst instances, miscarriage, stillbirth or death of the mother.
An abused mom-to-be may be less likely to take care of herself during pregnancy by eating poorly, not seeking out prenatal care or abusing drugs or alcohol.
In many cases, an abuser may not stop being abusive to a pregnant partner or the baby once the child is born. Children who are exposed to domestic violence are at a greater risk of being neglected and abused themselves, and are more likely to develop health, behavioral and psychological disorders as they get older.
How to get help
Some abused women fear that no one will believe them or take them seriously. Some feel as though they're the only ones going through this or that they themselves are the cause of the problems.
It’s important to know that calling for help in the face of violence or abuse isn’t overreacting. It’s simply protecting yourself and your unborn baby. Advocates are on your side and can help get you through a terrible time.
Here’s how you can get the help you need. And remember: If you ever need immediate assistance or feel that you’re in imminent danger, call 911 right away.
Reach out to someone you trust
Seek help from a trusted friend, family member, community member who has your best interests in mind (not someone who's close with your abuser) or a medical provider. Domestic violence screening and counseling are covered under the Affordable Care Act as a preventive service.
You can also reach out to a domestic violence organization or domestic violence shelter. Call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 (SAFE) anytime.
Online chat is also available for much of the day from the same organization. However, if you're concerned your computer use might be monitored — browser history is impossible to clear completely — the phone may be a better option.
Trained advocates can help you with safety planning — developing an individualized plan that will help keep you safe while you're in the relationship, when you’re planning to leave or if you have already left. It's important to plan ahead because leaving an abusive relationship can be potentially dangerous.
If you're having difficulty asking, try to articulate exactly what you are feeling. You can start with: "I need help," "I'm scared for my life" or even "Something just isn't right."
Create a safety plan
Pick a place where you know you can go right away if you feel like your safety is being threatened. It could be the home of a trusted family member or friend or a local shelter for domestic violence victims. Always call 911 first if you’ve been injured and need medical attention.
Keep money and important paperwork in a secure place
Stow away an envelope with cash plus essential documents like your driver’s license, social security card, insurance information and checkbook or bank account information.
Keep these items in a place where your partner won’t find them that you can access easily if you need to leave quickly.
Have your essentials packed and ready to go
In addition to money and important documents, pack a bag or suitcase with clothes, toiletries, any necessary medications and an extra set of keys to your car and home. If you can’t store the suitcase safely in your home, give it to someone you trust.
Remember: If you're the victim of domestic abuse, it's not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Don't wait — get help now.
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