So, you’ve gotten back into the dating game — good for you. And if you’ve found someone you think you might be with for the long haul, that’s great too: Your kids will benefit from having healthy relationship role models and a happy mom.
Chances are your little radar detectors have already picked up on your positive mood, even if they don’t know what (or who) is making you smile. But before you bring someone new into their lives, double check that you and your beau are on the same page. If you want your boyfriend to eventually be a father figure to your kids, make sure he sees you as more than just his go-to dinner date. Don’t be afraid to discuss where you see yourselves in a year and five years before you bring him home to meet the family. Does either one of you want to get married in the future? Have more kids? Will he eventually move in? And what role, if any, does he want to play in raising your little ones? If he doesn’t know the answers or you can’t see eye-to-eye, you may want to hold off on the introductions (though that doesn’t have to mean it’s break-up time).
But if he’s as smitten with you as you are with him and sees a possible future with you and your kids, follow these tips.
Play it cool. If you freak out when your son skins his knee, he’s a hundred times more likely to have a toddler-style meltdown. Likewise, if you act like meeting your boyfriend is a Big Huge Deal, your wee ones are going to get worked up for no good reason. Mention ahead of time that your “friend” (not your “boyfriend” or even your “special friend”) is stopping by, and just leave it at that. And ask your boyfriend to steer clear of PDA in front of them — at least for the first few weeks.
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Expose your kids to lots of types of families. If a playmate has a new stepmom and another has two dads, use them to start a discussion about different types of families and the ways in which all families grow and change. Emphasize that new additions aren’t taking anyone else’s place, just making a family bigger and better.
Keep first “dates” low-key. The first few meetings between your new man and your munchkins should be brief, low-key and on your kids’ home turf. If they involve an activity that everyone will enjoy, all the better — maybe a top-your-own-pizza dinner or an hour or two of cookie decorating. (Save the all-day Disney outing or a weekend camping trip ’til everyone’s better acquainted.)
Manage your expectations. Try not to be disappointed if your darlings aren’t wild about your beau right off the bat. Keep in mind that it probably took you months to get really comfortable in your relationship, and it will likely take them at least that long, too. Your little ones and your new love probably won’t be making up nicknames and secret handshakes when they first meet, but if your boyfriend gets your child to crack a smile, consider it a success. (And if that doesn’t happen, don’t stress — there’s always next time.)
Don’t let your new flame interfere with family time. Your kiddos may not be so keen on adding to your clan if your “plus one” cuts in on their time with you. If you’ve been there without fail in the past, don’t start ditching your daughter’s dance recitals or your son’s T-ball games to go to the movies with your guy. Try to schedule dates for after the kids are in bed or when they’re with your former partner or their grandparents.
As the two of you become more seriously involved, make sure you still squeeze in lots of mommy-and-me time — not just mommy-and-me-and-new-boyfriend time — and always smother your cuties with kisses and “I love yous” (as if you don’t do that already). If they feel that they’re still the most important (little) people in your life, they’re more likely to be positive about the new person in their lives.
Here’s to all of your honeys hitting it off,
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