Chances are, you've observed your baby or toddler at playgroup or a family get-together where there are other kids around — and noticed that, unlike the full-on interaction he shares with you or his older siblings, he probably doesn't actually play with other kids his age. Instead, he's content to sit alongside a potential pal, seemingly ignoring him or her, while they both sort shapes, play with cars or chew whatever they can get their hands on.
This form of fun is called parallel play. And even though it might not seem all that interactive, it has an important role in your child’s social development.
What is parallel play?
Parallel play is a type of play where children play next to or near each other, but not with each other. It’s the default mode of play for babies and toddlers, who haven’t yet developed the awareness or skills to play socially with others.
In parallel play, a baby or toddler is mostly in his own world — and his surrounding playmates are just as involved in their own. Babies in a playgroup might sit near each other, for instance, each mouthing their own soft block or teething toy. Two toddlers might be working in a play kitchen, each making their own culinary creation with minimal (or zero) input from the other.
Parallel vs. solitary play: What's the difference?
Solitary and parallel play are two distinct and developmentally normal stages of play. Solitary play happens when a child plays completely on his own. During parallel play, multiple children play in close proximity without much engagement.
A child engaging in solitary play might be keeping himself occupied in his play area by building a block tower, for instance. These kinds of solo activities give tots a chance to explore without distraction and build new skills.
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In parallel play, a child might be in a room with other children, each of whom are building their own block tower. Even though the child is still doing his own activity, being around others can give him new ideas about how to play with his blocks and sets the stage for more interactive forms of play.
Why is parallel play important?
Even though a child engaged in parallel play isn’t interacting with his mates, he’s still learning from them. As he plays, your child is (slyly, shyly) observing his companion. He takes note of what his pal is doing, even if he doesn't show it at first. Eventually, he'll begin to imitate what he sees his friends doing. And for now, this "peer pressure" is a good thing; it opens your baby's mind to new possibilities for play and may eventually help him learn new words, too.
Parallel play is also a precursor to more communal forms of fun and games. Doing the same activity side-by-side introduces babies and toddlers to the idea of socializing with others — setting the stage for playing cooperatively.
How do you help your toddler with parallel play?
Playing side-by-side is a natural part of your child’s social evolution. You can give him the chance to practice — and continue to advance his peer-to-peer skills — by offering opportunities to play with others.
If your baby or toddler is in day care, he’s likely already engaging in parallel play every day. If he’s at home, take advantage of other ways to socialize: Try setting up some playdates with similarly aged kids, arrange for a neighborhood park or playground meet up, or sign up for a mommy-and-me class. (If your tot seems tentative, don’t push him. Just let him get involved at his own pace.)
As your baby or toddler plays alongside his pals, resist the urge to hover too much. Let the kids keep themselves busy. Expect minor disagreements over toys — sharing is a struggle for young toddlers — but try to sit back and see if the tots can work things out on their own.
If the situation starts to get really heated, step in, but resist the urge to scold or shame your child if he’s having a hard time sharing. He’ll learn more by seeing you help him model positive sharing behavior compared to being punished. (Though it might take some time.)
Parallel play and your child’s development
Parallel play is a precursor to play where children engage directly with one another. Even though it might seem a little antisocial, it's par for the developmental course for babies and toddlers.
Why? Because young children are still busy figuring out so much about the world and don't yet realize that people their own size are indeed people (who might actually be fun to do stuff with). At this age, your child is too young to make friends, but companionable side-by-side play is a good start. If he frequently spends time with the same group of babies, he may even seek out a special few to sit alongside more frequently.
What’s more, these together-but-separate play sessions are laying the foundation for more social interactions to come. Even in parallel play, your little one will start to learn that his companions have thoughts and feelings just like him. And he’ll come to respond accordingly — for instance, crying if he sees that a playmate hit her head and is also crying.
As your child reaches preschool age, his play sessions will start to morph into interactions that involve coming up with new ideas or games, taking turns, sharing and showing empathy for others. And by the time he’s 4 or 5, he’ll start to form his first real friendships and develop preferences for who he plays with.
Though it might not seem like much socializing is actually going on, parallel play is your child’s first step towards learning to interact with his peers. All you have to do is give him chances to play and explore around other kids his own age — so plan those play dates!
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