There's a lot to consider before starting to try for a baby. Your doctor will have questions about your health — that’s what a preconception consultation is for. But what about the checklist to run through for all the other parts of your life? So much of this decision is personal.
I wish I'd had such a checklist when my husband and I were deciding whether to grow our family. We'd always pictured ourselves having a kid, and were in a good financial place to do so: I was generating steady income as a freelance writer, and he had nabbed a job he'd been working towards for years. Plus, we'd just bought a house in our dream neighborhood. It seemed like the stars were all aligned! And yet … I still didn't know if I was ready to be a mom.
As it turns out, this feeling is totally normal. "Just like with so many other big life decisions, most people usually aren't 100 percent on whether they're ready to have a baby," says Sunita Osborn, Psy.D., a Houston, Texas-based licensed psychologist specializing in fertility issues.
That said, there are several questions to ask yourself (and some for your partner, if you have one) that can give you some insight and help you prepare. Here are ten biggies that experts want you to consider, plus the green lights and red flags that suggest whether you should proceed with trying — or think about holding off.
Questions to ask yourself before having a baby
Being ready for a baby isn't about having the right house or the right job. "Some people think you need to have a certain amount of money or have reached a certain career goal," says Alana Carvalho, LMHC, a family therapist based in New York City. But that's not necessarily true.
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Of course, you need to make sure you can reliably meet your expanding family's needs. But personal readiness is about feeling like you're truly capable of putting someone else's needs before your own, Carvalho says. "It's like, 'Am I in a stable place, and am I ready to care for somebody else in this way?'" she explains.
You can start to figure that out by asking yourself questions like:
- How do I see a child fitting into my lifestyle? Your day-to-day might not be particularly baby-friendly now. (Why would it be?) Maybe you like to work late most nights, sleep in until 10:00 a.m. on the weekends, or jet off to exotic locales on a whim. But are you prepared to make adjustments to meet your baby's needs as they come up? If the answer is yes, you're on track to being prepared for parenthood, says Osborn.
- Am I willing to make sacrifices for my child? Being a parent means putting your needs second, from feeding your baby at 3:00 a.m. when you'd rather be snoozing, to diverting some of your disposable income to child care or college savings. "It's not just about you anymore," says Carvalho.
- What's my level of self-trust? There'll be plenty of times you'll know just what your baby needs, but there'll also be plenty of times when the answer isn't so obvious. Since parenthood doesn't come with an instruction manual, you'll often need to rely on yourself for the answer. "Maybe you won't know how to put the diaper on the first time. But do you trust that you'll be able to figure it out?" Osborn says.
- How will I continue to make time for myself? Sure, you'll need to adjust your lifestyle and make big sacrifices when you welcome a baby, but it's still important to maintain your identity outside of motherhood. How will you stick to your hobbies and prioritize your existing relationships that make you, you? You've got plenty of time to figure out the actual logistics here. What matters is that you're comfortable claiming your needs even when the responsibility of a baby gets added to your plate, Osborn says.
- Where is the desire to have a baby coming from? There's not always a clear or well-defined answer, says perinatal psychiatrist Sipra Laddha, M.D., but it is worth examining. Maybe deep down there are some hidden beliefs that having a baby might help fix a relationship or help you avoid a stressful job. If that's the case, it's often helpful to reality test some of those expectations and if necessary, talk to friends, family or a professional to explore them further.
Questions to ask your partner before having a baby
As a couple, being ready means more than both of you deciding that you want to have a child. "One of the most important things is trying to be on the same page," says Carvalho. That includes having a mutual vision for what you want your family life to look like, how you'll share your new responsibilities, and how you'll continue to make time for each other when time and energy are in short supply.
Together, you can discuss questions like:
- What does parenthood look like to you? "We all have our own images and ideals about parenthood and families that we've woven together since childhood," Osborn says. When you and your partner open up about your thoughts and beliefs, you get an opportunity to understand where the other is coming from and build a shared vision for how you want to parent. "If you think it's important to let a child cry before you soothe them and your partner feels the opposite, that could be a source of conflict, for instance," Carvalho says.
- How will we handle our new roles and responsibilities? Though it can be tough to picture exactly what your day-to-day life with a baby might be like, it's worth trying to establish who'll generally be responsible for what, Carvalho advises. For example, will one of you stay home with the baby, or if you're both planning to work, will one of you be on tap to be more of the primary caregiver?
- What's our support network like? It's never too early to start thinking about child care arrangements if you're both planning on working, say Carvalho and Osborn. But that's not all. You'll also want to identify family members, friends, or other sources of support who'll be there for you when you need a hand. Who can you call when you're both sick and need someone to hang out with the baby? Who'll bring you groceries or dinner when you haven't had time to shop or cook? Ultimately, "do you feel like you have people you can count on outside of your partnership?" Osborn says.
- Can we financially support a baby? In addition to figuring out childcare, what other expenses can you reasonably expect and how will they fit into your budget? Up front, there's the cost of labor and delivery and then subsequent spending on essentials like food, diapers and baby gear.
- How will we continue to prioritize our relationship? That might mean brainstorming how you'll continue to have some time for yourselves to stay connected, whether it's listening to a podcast together after the baby is asleep or planning a regular date night, Osborn explains.
Signs you're ready to have a baby
Some of the questions above might feel big and nebulous. They're definitely worth pondering, but if you're looking for more of a green-light checklist, you'll want to make sure these baby-ready boxes are ticked, say Carvalho and Osborn.
- You have a stable living situation and a reliable source of income.
- You and your partner are both 100 percent on board with having a baby.
- You can picture your life with a baby, even if you're really busy.
- You have a strong support network or are willing to take steps to build one.
- You and your partner are willing to be flexible when your plans or expectations about parenting change.
- You're mostly excited, but also a little nervous or anxious.
It's totally normal to have mixed feelings about having a baby. In fact, feeling 100 percent sure that everything will be perfect might mean you have unrealistic expectations about what parenthood is like, Osborn says.
Signs you should wait to have a baby
Spent some time considering the big questions and have a nagging feeling that you should maybe hold off? According to Carvalho and Osborn, it might be worth waiting a little longer if:
- You can't picture your life with a baby because you're already spread too thin, or don't want to give up your current lifestyle.
- Your partner isn't totally on board.
- Your relationship is on the rocks.
- You or your partner need to focus on dealing with severe mental health issues or substance abuse issues.
- You think it's going to be perfect — and anything else is not an option.
Motherhood turned out to be a big adjustment for me, and it wasn't something I could have fully prepared for. But trusting our instincts and going for it was the best decision my husband and I ever made. Having our son made our life so much richer and more rewarding. And I learned something valuable about myself: Even though I had a lot of self-doubt, I definitely was up to the task of being someone's mom.
That said, every parenting journey is unique. So think about what you and your partner really want and listen to your hearts. If you're ready to start trying, dive in and know that your road will be full of joys, challenges and plenty of questions. And if you'd rather wait, that's great too. There are no right or wrong answers beyond what works for you.
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