Each time I was pregnant, I did the same thing: waited until I was 12 weeks along, told my employer about my pregnancy, and then asked to be connected with someone in HR, who I assumed would tell me about my maternity leave options.
It wasn't until after I was done having kids that I learned that I'd been doing it all wrong the whole time.
"There are a lot of things that we, as a society, have to unlearn about paid leave," says Daphne Delvaux, a trial attorney and a workplace expert who's carved out a niche for herself as the expert on leave laws, employment law and the often complicated intersections between the two.
Talking to Delvaux about paid leave is a little bit like finding out the tooth fairy isn't real. She makes it abundantly clear that the idea of someone at your workplace floating in to hand-deliver all of the details about your leave-related rights is, well, a fairy tale.
The sad truth is that too many parents-to-be aren't entitled to any leave, much less paid leave. More than 70% of American moms don't have paid leave rights.[1] But for those 30% of moms who do, it's difficult to navigate those laws — six in 10 moms agree that it's overwhelming trying to learn about paid leave benefits and how to access them, per a recent What to Expect study. The result? Too many people end up taking less leave than they could — or taking no leave because they don't realize they have access to any at all.
"Moms can often take a longer leave than they think," says Delvaux. "Every day, someone tells me, ‘I wish I would have known this. I could have taken more time with my baby, and I lost out on money.'" Here, she shares the five biggest things we all need to unlearn about paid leave — so more moms can access the time off and money they deserve.
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1. Your employer will tell you about all of the leave you're entitled to. (Sorry, but they legitimately don't know.)
Most expectant moms start by looking into their company's maternity leave policy, per a study by What to Expect. Unfortunately that's a mistake, says Delvaux.
"Maternity leave is a colloquial concept to describe time off after birth, but it doesn't have a legal basis," she says. "When you're asking for a maternity leave policy, you're not asking for your rights."
What do have a legal basis — meaning you have a right to it if you meet the outlined requirements — are the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) and state laws, says Delvaux.
"Everyone assumes FMLA is the leave law that you want to ask for," she says. "It's a federal leave law, but it's the minimum." States often have their own laws that are more generous.
Unfortunately, those laws vary by state and come with a lot of confusing fine print. And then there's the fact that certain state-offered benefits are completely separate from leave-specific laws. "There's no clean overlap or alignment between the payment system and then the leave rights," says Delvaux. All of the potential ways that this patchwork of different laws could interact is extremely complicated.
"It's not a fair assumption to assume that your company will know all of this," says Delvaux. "It's not that people are not trying to be misleading; it's just very confusing." This is especially true now that more companies offer remote work options for out-of-state employees. Having staff members in different states means different laws, and an even lower likelihood that your employer will understand the nuances of each of them.
The burden shouldn't be on expectant mothers to do all of the legwork, but the truth is that if you don't research all of your leave-related rights and financial benefits, no one else will do it for you. "Your state might have more rights, and your employer has no obligation to say, 'Hey, you have more leave rights with these laws,'" says Delvaux.
What you should do instead
The first step you'll want to take is researching laws about how much job-protected time off you can take — a.k.a. how long your job has to stay open and protected. Then, you should research regulations or programs that give you some or all of your pay during that time off, including short-term disability and family bonding benefits. In some states, this adds up to a lot of leave. In California, for example, you could potentially take up to 52 weeks of paid disability leave — if your physician says it's warranted, and if your employer grants it.
Your employee handbook should be your last stop, to see if it offers any additional leave or payment on top of your legal rights. When speaking with your employer, you'll want to use the language of the actual statutes that you found in your research. (For more on this, see Exactly How You Should Ask for Parental Leave, According to an Employment Lawyer.)
Some expectant parents choose to hire a paid leave consultant or an attorney like Delvaux to help with this part of the process and ensure they're not leaving any leave — or payment — on the table. This can be especially helpful in a state like California, which has extensive, but complicated, leave laws. Delvaux, for her part, has a low-cost nonprofit program called The Liberated Mother Society devoted to helping mothers understand their rights and benefits.
2. You should tell your employer you're pregnant after 12 weeks. (You should have that conversation way sooner.)
The average expectant mom tells her employer she's pregnant when she's about 13 weeks along, according to a recent What to Expect study. A common reason for this is that the risk of miscarriage drops drastically when you enter the second trimester, and so women often don't want to share their pregnancy news until after that point.
While that's completely understandable, the unfortunate reality is that, if you're waiting to tell your employer that you're pregnant and then you do suffer a loss, you're much more likely to either have to work through it, or face a higher likelihood of discrimination for taking time off unexpectedly. That's because waiting to tell your boss until you're in the second trimester means they have less time to prepare for your leave.
"Everyone is waiting way too long, and it's resulting in women losing their jobs," says Delvaux. "Women call employers from the hospital saying, 'I'm miscarrying,' and if you haven't given them any warning, the employer is often confused and unprepared. Accommodating someone's absence is an operational challenge, and I think we have to be honest about that. When you don't get a lot of notice, it's really hard to do and can cause a lot of resentment, which can increase the chances of retaliation."
When you give your employer as much notice as possible, you're far more likely to be met with support — and to feel like you can actually take the time you need to recover if you experience a loss (rather than working through it). "Anything can happen to your pregnancy, so you want to be prepared," says Delvaux.
What you should do instead
"I recommend people disclose to their employers as soon as they know they're pregnant," says Delvaux. "The longer you wait, the higher your chances of discrimination." She also suggests that you make it clear from the start that you're invested in helping your team prepare for your leave, so that things can run as smoothly as possible in your absence.
"Have that conversation in a collaborative, cooperative way without being antagonistic," she says. (For more on this, see Exactly How You Should Ask for Parental Leave, According to an Employment Lawyer.)
And if you do experience a loss, but you likely will be able to take time off — the key is to ask for medical leave, not bereavement leave.
3. You'll need to return to work when you're cleared by your doctor. (You might have more leave that you're entitled to.)
There are two primary categories of leave-related laws: medical leave, which often comes in the form of short-term disability, and family or bonding leave, which gives new parents time to care for their baby. (FMLA is a federal law that allows eligible employees to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave, and it covers both medical and family leave.)
There are a lot of exemptions to these laws (one that will make you angry is that public school teachers are often excluded). But, "if we assume someone pays into the state's benefits system, they can be eligible for disability and bonding benefits," says Delvaux.
A lot of women don't realize this. And when their health care provider says they can return to work at their first postpartum appointment, they take that as a sign that they have to go back to work at that time. "That's why a lot of women go to work early," says Delvaux. "They don't know they can take time off for bonding leave under FMLA or other state statutes."
What you also might not realize: If you're suffering from a condition like postpartum depression or anxiety, you can often ask your doctor to sign off on extending your disability beyond the standard six to eight weeks.
What you should do instead
Again, this goes back to researching your rights and remembering that FMLA or state leave often protect your job for several weeks or months after your short-term disability ends. Knowing your rights will leave you equipped to have conversations with your boss and HR team around respecting them. And if you do find yourself suffering from health complications during the weeks following your baby's birth, don't be shy about asking your doctor if they might warrant extending your short-term disability leave.
4. You don't need to make a plan for your work when you're on leave. (Even if your job is protected, your work isn't.)
Delvaux says that many expectant parents assume that their employers will figure out a coverage plan in their absence. As tempting as it might be to think, "not my problem," that's not the smartest move.
"Here we get into a legal wild, wild west," says Delvaux. While your job might be protected, projects or responsibilities that you care about aren't protected — your employer just has to make sure that you have access to "the same or a virtually identical position" when you return to work, per FMLA.[2] In other words, that project you spent months getting off the ground might be reassigned, or could be shut down, in your absence.
Delvaux also says that, anecdotally speaking, employees who take a less collaborative approach tend to see higher incidences of discrimination when they return following their leaves.
In other instances, fear of coworker resentment can keep new parents from taking full advantage of the leave that they're entitled to. "One of the things I hear from parents is they're worried about employer discrimination but also coworker resentment," she says. "An employer is not allowed to contact an employee on leave because of something called interference rights. Often the result of that, coupled with a fear of coworker resentment, is that people go back to work early."
When you help make your coverage plan and ensure that others have the information necessary to do your job while you're away on leave, you minimize your odds of facing discrimination — and it can also prevent you from feeling like you should return to work before you have to.
What you should do instead
When you find out that you're pregnant, start making a master list of everything that you do and how you do it. "No one knows exactly what you do except you, not even managers — especially with remote work," says Delvaux. "Make sure that other people have access to it, and start to have conversations really early about, 'This is what I'm working on, I want to pull this person into it so we work on it together.' Be really proactive to protect your work."
This is a great way to show how valuable you are, while also reaffirming your commitment to your colleagues. "That will really help decrease the likelihood of discrimination," says Delvaux.
5. Fighting for more time off is too much of a hassle to be worthwhile. (You deserve every minute of leave you can get!)
If the whole process of getting the leave that you're entitled to sounds complicated, that's because it is. The majority of moms (61%) find learning about maternity leave benefits complicated, per a recent What to Expect study.
Even once moms learn what paperwork they need to fill out, or who they have to contact, they can face obstacles.
"What we're seeing with leave is the process around it is becoming burdensome and cumbersome to the point of frustrating people into giving up," says Delvaux. This can become especially vexing when you're submitting disability claims and getting rejected and aren't sure why. "I see that all the time: 'I put in my form and nothing is happening and now I have to fax something,'" says Delvaux. "Who still uses fax?! Apparently leave administrators do."
The system shouldn't be this complicated, but it is your right to access your leave. As tempting as it might be to throw in the towel and just go back to work when you come up against barriers, try to resist the urge, says Delvaux.
If it's your employer that's making it overly difficult to access your leave, well, that's illegal. "When it's too complicated, it's a form of action called interference," says Delvaux. If it's a government entity or insurer that's giving you a hard time, you might be encouraged to learn that a couple of follow-up phone calls or emails are often all it takes to turn a "claim denied" into longer leave — or payment.
Another factor to keep in mind: There are a host of benefits associated with taking a longer leave. (See Here's How Much Leave Parents *Actually* Need.) Plus, it's your right to take full advantage of the leave that you have access to.
"This is your time for you and your baby," says Delvaux. "You'll never get this time back if you don't use it now."
What you should do instead
If it's a state-administered financial benefit that you're trying to access, try looking up contact information for that specific program and reaching out directly, rather than directing your question to your employer.
"A lot of the disconnect is moms go to the employer, the employer doesn't know and then there's no action or follow-up," says Delvaux. "Moms are waiting for employers to protect them, which is not the employer's job. Moms have to protect themselves and their careers and income through applying through the right benefits in the right places."
At the same time, you want to keep your employer CC'd on all of your communications related to your absence — even if they've told you to work with a third-party vendor to coordinate your leave. This is because you want your workplace to have evidence — in writing — of your job-protected time off, since this can help protect you from being wrongfully terminated during your leave.
And remember that attorneys like Delvaux can also be a valuable resource. "My job is to make sure moms feel the opposite of overwhelmed or confused and give them a roadmap," she says. "I take this role of protecting moms and their babies very seriously."
Methodology
What to Expect surveyed 2,275 women from June 24 to July 12, 2024, for its paid leave survey. Respondents were U.S. women, age 18 to 54, who are expecting or have a child 0 to 5 years old.
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