As you’ve probably figured out by now, toddlers tend to act like tiny Neanderthals, grunting, grabbing and pushing to get their way. The good news is they’re also absorbing all kinds of behaviors and values right now, so as teachable moments go, it’s a perfect time to get started on good manners.
Sure, it may seem silly to ask your busy-as-a-bee tot to say “excuse me” before she darts away from the table. But if you make practicing politeness a habit, your toddler will pick it up too — eventually.
Can you teach a toddler to be respectful and polite?
There will be days (and weeks and months) when you swear that you can’t teach your toddler to be polite.. But teaching kids manners is totally doable — and now is the time to start laying the foundation. After all, manners are a way of showing kindness, respect and consideration to others.
Yes, you’ll have to model the behavior often and keep your expectations in check. But kids who get a head start in the good manners department do better in kindergarten — and throughout their lives, researchers have found. The simple acts of asking instead of grabbing, waiting patiently for a turn, and other social niceties help children get along as they play, work and talk with others.
So don’t forget the underlying message as you give those etiquette lessons. Explain that we’re polite because it’s the considerate thing to do, not because it’s a “rule.” And then practice what you preach.
6 good manners to teach kids
Here are some good manners your toddler can start learning right now, even though it will be a while before she can put words and deeds into action.
- Saying please and thank you. You might have started teaching your tot these magic words months ago. But now that she’s beginning to talk, keep reinforcing them. Your cutie will forget to say them most of the time, but inserting them into the conversation yourself, or giving a prompt (“What do we say when we ask for something?”) when you’re at home will help your little one remember them later.
- Taking turns and sharing. Your toddler might be learning these good manners at day care or in a playgroup, but it’s never too early to put them into practice at home too. They’re the foundation for happier playdates and, later, school. Play games where turn-taking is key (hide and seek, playing ball, simple board games for older toddlers), take turns coloring with favorite crayons (set the timer for two-minute intervals), and share some of your toddler-friendly snack when you and your child grab a bite to eat. And point out when you, your partner or the grandparents share with each other.
- Saying hello and goodbye. Your toddler will probably be too shy to say these words, especially when separation anxiety is in full swing, but that shouldn’t stop you from speaking up for her when you’re out and about. You can also remind your toddler (“When we get to Hannah’s house, we’ll say hello to her mom”) so she knows what to expect. And one day she’ll surprise you!
- Sitting at the table, at least for a few minutes. Toddlers don’t have the attention span or the patience to sit while you and your partner discuss the day’s events. But it’s good to get your little one used to eating with other people, even if it’s just for five (or even three) minutes. Let your tot take part in the conversation by including her (“We saw a huge truck today, right? Can you tell us about it?”) and once she’s finished, ask, “Do you want to be excused?”
- Showing respect to others. Toddlers are notorious for pushing, grabbing and biting, not to mention melting down when they don’t get their way. The best way to teach kids to respect others? Be considerate and respectful of your child. Then set rules for how people need to be treated at your house. When your child breaks them — your toddler bites her playdate pal, say — calmly repeat the rule, “No biting,” separate the children, and then impose a consequence for your little one (like a brief time-out). Re-directing kids by changing the activity also helps when things simmer down.
- Writing notes. Even when your toddler is a much older teen, she won’t be able to write a thank you note without a whole lot of nagging. Still, it can’t hurt to get your tot used to sending thank you cards by writing a message and then letting your little one add a scribble or a sticker. At least she’ll get to practice fine motor skills. Too much work and too little time? Pick up the phone and have your tot say thank you in person to Grandma or a friend.
3 bad manners to teach kids to avoid
Just as you can teach your little one specific good manners, you can also get her to learn which bad manners to avoid. Here are a few of the big ones:
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- Being a sore loser. It’s frustrating for little kids when they can’t toss the ball, lose at a simple board game, or have to wait for their fave crayon. And your toddler probably doesn’t know how to behave when she doesn’t get her way. Give her words to express her emotions (“I’m angry” or “I’m sad”) and tools, from taking deep breaths to going to a spot to cool down. You can help by pointing out the positives (“You tried really hard” or “Even though you didn’t win, you played well and had fun”).
- Name calling. Calling peple “stupid,” “dumb” or “poopy heads” is a no-no too. And letting it slide just erodes the lessons about respecting others that you’re trying to teach your child. Tell your tot that it’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to call people names. And don’t do it yourself.
- Being an indifferent host or guest. Yes, it’s a stretch to expect perfect playdate etiquette from your toddler. Still, you can help your child learn to share her toys, say goodbye to her friends, and thank them for coming over. To make these good manners go down more easily, have plenty of activities that promote cooperation (stacking blocks, coloring on a big sheet of paper, dancing). And help your child clean up when it's her turn to go to another person’s house.
Tips for teaching children good manners
Now that you know what manners to teach your toddler to use and avoid, here’s how you can instill politeness and respect in your child.
- Eat meals together. The family table is the perfect classroom for lasting lessons in good manners. That’s why it’s important to set the table with utensils and napkins and take the time to eat together (instead of grabbing a bite in front of the TV) at least some of the time. Sure, toddlers will still tend to eat with their fingers and wipe their mouths on their sleeves, but they’ll never learn the proper way to use a fork (or chew with their mouths closed) if they don’t get the chance to try.
- Mind your Ps and Qs at home and out in the world. Let your toddler see you being polite to cashiers, neighbors, even strangers. And give your cutie the very same courtesy, by saying “thank you!” when she complies with a request or “I’m sorry” if you accidentally bump into her. Listen patiently and respectfully when she talks, just as you hope she’ll do for others.
- Use your words. Your tot may not answer your neighbor or the mail carrier’s cheerful hello, but you can. You’ll have to offer that “thanks for coming!” when her playmate departs. Your toddler will pick up on these social skills by watching what you do. Once your toddler has more words (and isn’t shy about using them), you can prompt her: “Ask Grandma if you can please have some cheese.”
- Keep your expectations low. Well, not so low that you don’t bother to teach good manners or respect and consideration. Rather, you have to make allowances for your toddler’s age. Your tot will eat food with her fingers and play with it — she’s exploring textures and tastes, which is a toddler’s job, no matter how often she sees you eat with a fork and knife. But you can expect her not to throw food by calmly saying, “No throwing,” and re-directing her behavior — maybe to experimenting with how to spear a broccoli tree with a fork.
- Think positively. Notice and praise good manners, while generally ignoring the bad. Yes, it’s hard to ignore your toddler when she’s chewing with her mouth open, but focus on how she said “please” when she asked for more mac and cheese. And reward her by saying, “Good job saying ‘please’ to ask for another serving!”
Remember, teaching kids respect and good manners is a slow and steady process — and a long one, so (please) don’t make it tougher on yourself, or your toddler, than it needs to be. (Thank you.)
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