I always aspired to become a mom in my early 30s, because all I heard was, "The sooner, the better." But my timeline didn’t work out that way. Having tied the knot with someone who wasn’t the best match at 29, I got divorced in my mid-30s, went to therapy, and then met and married the right partner. I realize now that all of that had to happen exactly as it did in order for me to pursue motherhood as my best self.
I turned 40 last month, and my husband and I are going through in vitro fertilization (IVF) and preparing for our embryo transfer. I couldn't be prouder to say that this is the age at which I'm finally trying to conceive.
At 40, I've devoted years of time and energy to working through emotional wounds that I don't want to pass onto my child. At 40, I've found a loving, present partner who is all in for building a life together. At 40, I've achieved a lifelong professional dream of becoming a published author. At 40, I've learned how to advocate for myself with my doctors. And at 40, I know that there's really no other time in my life when I would have had all of these tools in my toolbox — and, in turn, been better prepared to get pregnant and become a mom. That's something worth celebrating.
What TTC at 40 really looks like
When I got divorced and moved across the country to pursue a new career chapter as a freelance journalist, I had to accept that my timeline for parenthood was going to look different than I originally thought. At 38, concerned that the clock was ticking and motherhood was still a ways off, I decided to freeze my eggs. I'd been told over and over again that it can be more challenging to conceive and have a healthy, complication-free pregnancy after 35, but I knew in my gut that my time would come.
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I'm not going to sugarcoat it: My husband and I have faced several frustrating and, at times, heartbreaking, unexpected setbacks over the course of our IVF journey so far. I've even had some cringeworthy interactions with providers themselves whose cold, clinical bedside manner and blanket statements about age left me feeling anything but supported. One particularly hurtful encounter found me walking out of the office after an ultrasound to check my follicle growth mid-cycle with tears streaming down my face.
Once I met with a specialist to begin IVF earlier this year, it was frustrating to learn that I needed to get polyps removed and undergo an anti-inflammatory treatment for silent endometriosis (a condition that can increase the risk of miscarriage) before starting our transfer cycle. Even though these steps will maximize the chances of a healthy pregnancy, I’ve worried that, all the while, I’m only getting older. Thankfully, I am reminded that the birth rate among women 40 to 44 has in fact risen by 4% since 2021, and in trying to conceive at 40, I am not alone.[1] Perhaps most importantly, I'm confident that I've done everything I could up to this point to become the best, healthiest version of myself.
Age is just one factor
No matter how old you are, factors like overall health, genetics, and lifestyle can all affect a person's fertility, points out Anupama Kathiresan, M.D., a board-certified reproductive endocrinologist with Kindbody in Los Angeles. "Fertility and pregnancy health are highly individualistic," she notes. "Each person's journey is unique, and it's empowering to recognize that age is just one factor. Personalized care and support tailored to individual needs can lead to successful outcomes."
Research does show that as people age, egg quantity and quality dip (meaning there could be a higher risk of chromosomal abnormalities, which can lead to pregnancy loss).[2] "Research also demonstrates a higher risk of maternal complications, including gestational hypertension and diabetes, although this may be more related to a higher likelihood of coexisting medical conditions that increase with age as well," says Jessica Ryniec, M.D., an OB/GYN and reproductive endocrinology and infertility specialist at CCRM Fertility in Boston.
Still, reproductive technology has improved immensely over the last 10 to 15 years with better outcomes in general, Dr. Ryniec says. For example, we have better egg and embryo preservation techniques to enable future pregnancies in people over 35. "There is also more testing and monitoring available during pregnancy that can help support a healthy mom and baby after 35," she notes.
Pregnancy and new parenting at 40+ can be amazing
In the midst of all of the highs and lows of IVF so far, I know that I am exactly where I need to be. After all, the benefits of having a child around my age can include unique advantages like emotional readiness, financial stability, and a strong support network, points out Dr. Kathiresan.
"Many individuals in their 40s have achieved personal and professional goals," she says. "This can lead to a sense of confidence and fulfillment in starting a family later in life."
That couldn't be more true for my husband and me. We feel like this is exactly the point at which we were meant to welcome a little one into the world. We both spent our 30s facing challenges that ultimately bolstered our self-awareness and growth. Now, in our 40s, that very same self-awareness and growth is what we believe will make us even better, wiser, happier parents.
"It's essential to approach trying to conceive at 40-plus with optimism and awareness," she says. "While there may be challenges, modern medicine offers numerous options, and many individuals have fulfilling family-building experiences in their 40s. Personalized care, being educated about fertility, and a positive mindset are key."
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