As a queer-identified person in a committed same-sex relationship, I’ve had to navigate the often confusing pathways toward becoming an LGBTQ+ (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer) parent.

For years, whenever people asked how my partner Mark and I became dads, I used to joke that we were set up on a blind date in graduate school, we had a few drinks and 12 1/2 years later, we accidentally adopted our son. Then eight years after that, during an especially acute bout of recurrent baby fever, we accidentally adopted our daughter. Of course, the reality of our children’s adoption stories are much more complex.

There are a few different ways for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be to start a family, and like many same-sex couples, adoption ended up being the right choice for us. Fifteen years ago, we started our adoption journey by gathering as much information and support as we could from our friends, family and community. For those starting this journey for themselves, here are some tips to help navigate the process.

Adoption options for LGBTQ+ parents

According to the most recent data from the U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey, of the estimated 980,000 same-sex couples living in the U.S., around 181,000 are raising children. Studies also show that same-sex couples are seven times more likely to be raising adopted or foster children compared to their different-sex counterparts.

The history of legal adoption by LGBTQ+ parents in the U.S. is still relatively new: The 2015 Supreme Court ruling that guaranteed the right to same-sex marriage in all 50 states had the added benefit of effectively eliminating the marriage requirement hurdle for many LGBTQ+ couples seeking to adopt a child. Meanwhile, subsequent federal court rulings in 2016 helped to further recognize adoption by LGBTQ+ parents, codifying these protections into U.S. federal law.

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However, while U.S. federal law protects adoption rights for LGBTQ+ parents, individual state regulations can vary, and some include laws that create additional hurdles for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be. It’s important to research the specific laws and regulations in your area and consult an attorney, adoption agency or licensed adoption facilitator to understand your options as an LGBTQ+ prospective parent.

As it is with different-sex couple adoptions, there are four primary adoption routes for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be:

Private agency adoption

The most common adoption route for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be is via private agency adoption. An adoption agency serves as an intermediary between a birth family and an adoptive family, helping to match a child with a family looking to adopt.

Adoption can be overwhelming, and one of the main benefits of working with an agency is having the process broken down into smaller, more manageable steps. For example, in addition to helping adoptive parents navigate procedural hurdles (such as home studies, legal paperwork and post-placement visits), an agency will often provide counseling, support servics and education courses. Adoption agencies might also facilitate an adoption home study, which includes interviews and home visits.

Cost: Another benefit of working with an agency is cost transparency. Most licensed adoption agencies will provide adoptive parents with fee schedules that clearly outline services provided and associated costs, such as medical and legal fees, counseling and training, and out-of-pocket expenses like travel. Costs can vary, but according to Child Welfare Information Gateway, working with an adoption agency typically ranges from $20,000 to $45,000. 

Independent adoption

In an independent adoption, a prospective adoptive parent directly identifies a child for adoption, then works with an adoption facilitator, usually an attorney, to finalize the legal adoption.

Independent adoption is not legal in all states, but if a birth parent and prospective adoptive parent have been matched independently, they may contact an adoption agency to finalize the process in these states. As with all adoptions, prospective parents are required to have home studies as well as medical and legal clearances, which include employment and criminal background checks.

Cost: Independent adoption is generally less expensive than agency adoption, with costs ranging from $15,000 to $40,000.

Public adoption

Sometimes referred to as foster-to-adopt, public adoption typically operates through a state-funded foster care system, where birth parents who are unable to raise their biological child relinquish parental rights and make the child a ward of the state. While the foster care system is designed to unite biological parents and children, a child in foster care can be made available for adoption if reunification is not possible.

Cost: Generally, adoption through foster care is much less expensive compared to the other adoption routes, with costs ranging from a few hundred to a few thousand dollars. (There may be upfront costs including home study, legal fees and travel, but these are typically offset by reimbursement from government sources.) 

Federal and state adoption assistance programs also can help minimize financial obstacles for adoptive parents, especially when it comes to the placement of children with special needs or circumstances that may make them harder to place, including older children, sibling groups and children with medical challenges or mental health conditions. In some cases, adoptive parents may be eligible to receive subsidies or stipends that go toward the care of their child.

It’s important to note that while federal protections support LGBTQ+ individuals and couples seeking to adopt through foster care, some states have enacted laws that enable anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination in foster care and foster-to-adopt. It’s a good idea to consult an attorney who is familiar with the laws in your state before proceeding down this route.

International adoption

International or intercountry adoption was once a popular avenue for LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, but over the past decade, it has declined significantly, and there were fewer than 3,000 international adoptions in 2019. In countries that don’t recognize same-sex unions or have explicit anti-LGBTQ+ laws, adoption by LGBTQ+ individuals may be banned outright. 

The U.S. government recognizes the 1993 Hague Convention on Protection of Children and Cooperation in Respect of Intercountry Adoption, an international treaty that provides safeguards for children and families involved in adoptions with participating countries. It was designed to prevent child trafficking and ensure that a child put forth for adoption in a country outside of the U.S. is legally available to be adopted.

The process for international adoption is similar to domestic adoption, with a few additional requirements, such as working with a Hague-certified adoption agency, the completion of a Hague home study and application with the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services to petition for an immigrant visa for an internationally adopted child. 

Cost: The costs for international adoptions vary considerably, but are typically in line with private agency adoption, ranging from $20,000 to $50,000, including out-of-pocket expenses such as international travel and accommodations.

Additional adoption considerations

Open, semi-open and closed adoptions

While international adoptions are typically “closed,” meaning birth and adoptive families have no connections pre- or post-place, most domestic adoptions in the U.S. are either open or semi-open.

The degree of openness is usually agreed upon at the beginning of the adoption process and can range from correspondences on a first-name basis facilitated by an agency or legal counsel, or fully open where an adopted child has a relationship with their birth family. 

Second-parent adoption

In situations where one parent in a same-sex couple initially adopts a child or is the biological parent, their partner can execute a second-parent adoption or co-parent adoption, which grants parental rights without the “first parent” losing theirs.

Some states do not recognize second-parent adoption, so same-sex couples are advised to prepare a written co-parenting agreement or custody agreement to protect the family. The Human Rights Campaign’s State Equality Index provides a comprehensive, state-by-state review of laws and policies that affect LGBTQ+ families.

Financial resources for adoptive parents

Creating a family can be an expensive endeavor, regardless of a parent’s orientation or identity. For LGBTQ+ parents-to-be, additional legal costs and other fees can make adoption prohibitive or out of reach.

Fortunately, there are financial resources that LGBTQ+ parents can take advantage of:

  • Federal adoption tax credit: The federal adoption tax credit provides relief to adoptive parents for qualified expenses associated with the adoption of a child. Adoptive parents who have completed an adoption in 2020 can claim a nonrefundable credit up to $14,300; the amount adjusts for inflation to $14,440 in 2021.
  • Employer-funded adoption benefits: An increasing number of employers offer benefits to help offset the costs of adoption. These benefits can include financial assistance, such as grants or stipends, counseling support and paid leave.
  • Private adoption grants: The Family Equality Council has a directory of grant opportunities available to the LGBTQ+ community to help offset the costs of assisted reproductive technology and/or adoption.

Tips for navigating adoption as an LGBTQ+ parent

However you decide to create your family, the end result of the adoption process — becoming a parent! — is worth any challenges you encounter along the way. Here are a few tips to help LGBTQ+ parents-to-be navigate the road ahead:

  • Research, research, research. Know the laws and regulations that may affect your ability to adopt in your city, town or state. Contact several agencies or adoption facilitators and request references. Ask lots of questions.
  • Prepare for the costs. While adoption costs can vary (and tax credits, grants and other benefits will hopefully help offset them), it's smart to sock away plenty of savings as you start the journey.
  • Work with an LGBTQ-friendly agency or adoption facilitator. Human Rights Campaign’s All Children-All Families project provides a comprehensive list of LGBTQ-inclusive adoption agencies, and Child Welfare Information Gateway’s National Foster Care & Adoption Directory Search offers contact information for state child welfare officials, programs, organizations and services with a focus on foster care, permanency and adoption.
  • Reach out to your local LGBTQ+ community center. No matter how end up creating your family, a good place for LGBTQ+ hopeful parents to start is your local LGBTQ+ community center, which may host seminars and learning sessions on building a family.
  • Understand that it takes patience. The adoption process is a long and sometimes fraught journey. Being prepared for the long haul will help alleviate fears and anxiety.

More adoption resources for LGBTQ+ families

The following resources offer information and support for LGBTQ+ individuals and couples interested in adoption: