You're overjoyed to be a parent, and that's putting it mildly. So why are you also feeling emotionally spent? It’s perfectly normal, even if you weren’t the one to give birth.
Here’s how you can best support a partner after pregnancy — and take care of yourself while entering this new phase of parenthood.
Create a new "normal"
On some level, you may have been waiting for the pregnancy to end and life to get back to normal. For the first time, you might be realizing what it means for your life to have changed.
Go with the flow, and fall into a rhythm that works. It's time to work out what your new routines are. Don't expect to hit your stride right out of the gate, though — it'll take plenty of time and practice.
Get used to a lack of sleep
Take turns visiting the crib in the middle of the night. (This will be a way shorter trip if your baby's sleeping in a bassinet in your room.) Even if she's breastfeeding and doesn't "need" you for 3 a.m. feedings, be there anyway for the diaper change. Besides, those middle-of-the-night cuddles are prime bonding time for all of you. Don't miss them.
And even if you're tired during the day, let her nap while you take over baby duty. Sure, you both need to catch up on your z's, but remember that she's also recovering physically from childbirth (and if she's nursing, expending plenty of energy making milk).
Keep an eye on her mood
Baby blues affect up to 80 percent of new moms, and these disconcerting feelings often fade away after two weeks. But if the new mom still seems truly overwhelmed several weeks after the baby comes home, or experiences bouts of crying, irritability or sleep disruptions (other than those caused by the baby), prompt her to talk to her practitioner about it. Postpartum depression is a serious medical condition that requires treatment.
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Go with her on her next office visit and encourage her to share what's going on. Then make sure she gets the treatment she needs to feel better.
Be good to yourself
After all that buildup, all the planning and spending and drama, your child has been born … and you feel not only run-down (that's the sleep deprivation) but also a tiny bit letdown. It's natural for the combination of the new baby, the stress of the past nine months and the new sense of responsibility to take their toll.
In fact, as many as 25 percent of new dads experience paternal postnatal depression (PPND), a dad's version of postpartum depression.
You may feel left out, or you may feel overwhelmed by everything that's expected of you. Keep your energy level up by eating well and resting when you can.
And if you suspect you have PPND, talk to your partner or a trusted friend or family member about it. Don't hesitate to seek professional treatment — for the health and wellness of both you and your baby.
Be good to her
Take over the bulk of the household chores for now. If you can score some paid or volunteer domestic help that lets you both focus your energy and attention on the new baby and each other, go for it.
If guests come by to see the baby, make sure they don't overstay their welcome and that you're the one offering up beverages and snacks and cleaning up in their wake.
Some gestures that go a long way: Bring Mom a snack and a drink while she breastfeeds, and rub down her shoulders afterward. And hug her often for no reason at all.
Divide and conquer
Parenting, when there are two parents around, is a two-person job — sign up for it in earnest. Share baby care (from bathing and diaper changing to rocking and singing) equally.
Don't worry that you're not qualified for the job — no one's born knowing how to swaddle or burp (a baby!). All new parents learn on the job — one sleepless night, one dirty diaper at a time.
Divvy up diaper (and other) duties. Talk about the best way to do this: 50-50, straight down the line is one way to go. Alternating (every other diaper, every other bath) is another, but you can also discuss specializing (signing up for the duties you each end up doing best — she does diapers, you do soothing with your patented rocking moves).
And don't worry that you do things differently than your spouse. Every parent does things differently, and it's a difference that your baby will love.
Be patient when it comes to sex
It may be the last thing on your mind right now — or the last thing you have energy for. But if you find yourself with that loving feeling, there are a few things you need to keep in mind before having sex after birth.
First, you'll need the practitioner's green light (typically four to six weeks after childbirth), and that may come weeks before hers, which may still be yellow … or red. Remember, she's been through the wringer physically and mentally.
When you both decide to give it a try, you'll need to proceed very slowly and extremely gently. Ask what feels good, what hurts, what you can do to help. Focus on foreplay (for her), and invest in some postpartum sex helpers such as lubricant.
Talk it out
Have self-doubts when it comes to your parenting prowess? Every new parent does. Open up to your spouse about your determination to excel at the job of baby care — and any nagging fears that you'll flunk.
Chances are she's feeling everything you're feeling — and will be happy to share those thoughts with you too. Be confident in the fact you'll pick up this parenting thing in no time.
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