Common Challenges With Grandparents and How to Resolve Them

Do your parents or in-laws spoil your kids more than you're comfortable with? Expect you to visit just a little too often? Or seem like they don't want to see their grandchildren very much at all?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’re not alone. The parent-grandparent relationship is often fraught with family politics, power struggles and past hurts. But if you focus on the positives and work on solutions, it can also be one filled with love and appreciation — and yes, plenty of treats for your kids.

Traveling with kids is not fun, easy or cheap. If Grandma and Grandpa are able-bodied, consider buying them plane tickets to come to you instead. Or meet in the middle, if that works — pick a park, city or attraction that’s less than a three-hour drive for both of you.

Neutral territory can make a reunion easier, too, if you and your parents or in-laws have a strained relationship. Plus, a special meeting place can only give your cutie the most positive associations about spending time with her grandparents.

In between visits, try video-chatting. Then schedule a weekly "visit” so your tot can show off her new crawling, babbling or waving skills live.

Of course they want to, that’s only natural. But if they expect to, that’s a different story. Manage expectations by deciding at the beginning of the year which holidays you’ll be able to spend with one set of grandparents, which you’ll visit with the other and which you want to keep just for your immediate family (yes, you’re allowed to do that).

That said, always follow the Golden Rule (adapted for dealing with grandparents): Treat your parents the way you’d like to be treated by your own kids. If you shrug off family obligations now, your children are likely to do the same later.

Another way to nip this particular conundrum? Celebrate certain holidays twice or even three times: Once with your in-laws a bit early, once with your immediate family on the actual day and another time with your parents after the holiday’s over. That way, everybody is happy.

If this is the case, cultivate a culture of respect. If you’re not raising your child Christian, say, but your parents treasure Christmas mass with the family, indulge them by taking the kids to the service. Just because your kids are exposed to a different religion doesn’t mean they’ll adopt it for themselves.

By the same token, your decisions regarding your immediate family’s faith deserve respect as well. Give the grandparents helpful literature about your chosen faith to help them understand, and let them know how much you value their acceptance.

Often, parents feel rejected and alienated when a child chooses a different spiritual path. Let them know that’s not how you feel by inviting them to, and including them in, religious ceremonies or traditions you now observe.

If they’re still not happy, you’ll have to agree to disagree. Just remember: Your kids will learn the majority of their religious/spiritual/ethical lessons from you, so try not to be too ticked off if your parents or in-laws bring up teachings that aren’t in line with yours.

You’re allowed to set boundaries. To do it in a way that doesn’t ruffle feathers, let Grams know how much you and your kids love spending time with her and how much you appreciate her help. Then let her know that your reasons for wanting time alone as a family have nothing to do with her: You feel like your child is in need of one-on-one time with his dad, for example, or you feel like you’ll never be comfortable taking care of your new baby by yourself if you don’t get the chance.

Consider also that the concept of “all the time” is relative. You mother-in-law may think she’s holding back by visiting only once a week, while once a month would be more your speed. Try to be honest about what works for all of you. It helps to make a schedule ahead of time and then stick to it.

While it’s incredibly wonderful to have grandparents who love to watch their grandkids, it’s not a given. Maybe they feel uncomfortable alone with a baby — if so, plan more outings together or hire a sitter to lend them a hand. Maybe they don’t want to overstep boundaries and so haven’t offered to sit yet — if that’s the case, tell them how much your little one loves spending time with them.

Or suggest that Nana and Papa take your tyke on an outing in their neighborhood to show off their grandkid at the local diner or their neighborhood pool. They get to brag, and you get a break.

Some bad habits you can overlook (see the next slide), but not smoking or drinking. Secondhand and even thirdhand smoke can damage tiny lungs and increase a baby’s risk for asthma, chronic ear infections and sudden infant death syndrome — so protect your baby by setting a no-smoking rule.

If the grandparents balk, tell them the pediatrician laid down the law — and you’re not allowed to let your cutie stay at their house either.

Dealing with grandparents who drink? Whether they’re heavy drinkers or just indulge occasionally, your best bet is to add a no drinking condition to your antismoking rule and apply it to all caregivers who are left alone with your kids.

If your parents are regular babysitters and they’re regulars at the drive-through, then by all means, get strict about what they’re feeding your cutie. Prepare food ahead of time so that there are options at home and let Gramps know that certain snacks and meals — from donuts to fries and burgers — are special treats only.

But if your kiddo sees your mom or dad only every once in a while, ask yourself how much damage a few donut holes will really do. Your eating habits are what will most influence those of your children.

It can be tricky to watch when your parents or in-laws are in full-on spoiling mode. Why didn’t they ask before splurging on the ride-on toy that you wanted to surprise your sweetie with? How are you going to get your tot to bed after all that cotton candy?

As parents, we’d like to think that we are in full control of our kids’ behavior and environment. But (thank goodness) we’re not. Remember that most grandparents don’t get to prove their love through everyday care — the boo-boo kissing, the bedtime stories and the middle-of-the-night cuddles — like you do.

Spoiling is a gesture of affection for grandparents, and the toys and trinkets they shower on your child will actually end up being daily reminders of that love (“Here’s the teddy bear Pap-Pap gave you,” or “Remember when Nana gave you Candy Land and the two of you played for hours?”).

Set some guidelines if you like — no toy guns, perhaps, or nothing bigger than a mini-fridge! — but try to appreciate how happy the spoiling makes both the grandparents and grandkids. Will your child become spoiled because her granny got her one too many Polly Pockets? Not likely. Will she feel like she has grandparents who adore her? Definitely.